Bitter Sweet Love Read online

  Anna and I stare at each other, and say at the same time, “Sure, thanks.”

  We down the shots and walk toward the main foyer of the house. The place is already stuffed with a bunch of extremely drunk people. I see some girls I know from the sorority house and begin chatting with them. They’ve asked me to join the sorority a million times, but it isn’t my thing. I’m not a loner by any means. I just like to call the shots in my life, and in a sorority, everything is about the sisters. It’s too much for me, and besides, I have my sister Ashley, and I’ve got Anna. They’re all I need. Still, it’s fun hanging out, getting drunk, and forgetting.

  There’s a swimming pool in the backyard of the frat house. It’s September, so it’s still warm enough at night to go swimming in Toronto. I saunter out back where a bunch of sorority sisters sit beside the pool on lawn chairs. No one is swimming; they’re just hanging out and drinking. Anna walks up behind me, clearly as drunk and swaying as I am. “Hey, Bandita, there you are. I brought us more shots. Here, take one.” She passes me the shot and almost spills it on my shirt.

  “Thanks.” I feel its burn sliding along my throat. I’ve only had a beer and two shots, and I’m already tipsy as hell. I’m such a lightweight.

  I practically fall over when I try to sit in a lawn chair beside the sisters. I turn around to see Anna standing on a table, her hands up to her mouth like she’s about to yell something. “So what do you say, girls? Should we take a swim?”

  Leave it to Anna to come up with bright ideas and be the center of the party. She loves the attention. Some of the sisters like the idea, but there are about five of us who don’t have bathing suits.

  “Anna, I’m not getting in that water without a bathing suit,” I whisper in her ear.

  She whispers back, “Come on, Bandita, you only live once.”

  I appreciate that she’s being quiet because I’m self-conscious of my naked body. And the scars on my back left from years of abuse. The place is crawling with drunk frat boys, and I’m not in the mood to get noticed.

  “Come on, Lex. Just come swimming in your bra and underwear.”

  As I’m contemplating, a few of the sisters get undressed, leaving their clothes, including bras and underwear, by the side of the pool. It’s late at night, but there’s enough moonlight to notice their naked bodies entering the water. Once they’re in, I can hear them laughing about what a good feeling it is to skinny dip. All of a sudden, Anna is standing naked on the diving board.

  “What the fuck, Anna?”

  She jumps in the air and does a perfect jackknife into the water. All of the guys who’ve come outside to see the naked girls begin cheering around us. It’s taking her a while to get back up, and I panic. I throw off my tank top and jeans and jump into the water. I need to save her. She comes bursting to the top of the water like a rocket.

  “I knew I could get you in here.” She’s laughing her ass off.

  I’m drunk and I think the alcohol has intensified the effect of my feelings. I hit the water, splashing her in the face. “That wasn’t funny. You scared the shit out of me.”

  “For real, Lex? I was a competitive swimmer. Let’s not exaggerate,” she says with a bemused smile.

  “Yeah, a competitive swimmer who’s drunk off her ass and just dived naked into a pool in front of fifty frat boys.”

  She splashes water in my eyes. “Come on, Bandita. Let’s go have fun.”

  We swim over to the shallow end. Some guys decided to jump in after the girls. Most of them are wearing boxers, but a few of the cocky bastards are in their birthday suits. We’re all having fun playing water polo and tag. I’m pretty drunk so I repeatedly get tagged during the game.

  “Hey, girls!”

  It’s Drake. He’s known to be a player, and I’ve slept with him once. He was good; he knows what he’s doing. We all turn around to see what he wants.

  “Sorry, guys, the party is moving to the house.”

  We all look at each other confused, assuming he’s being a drunk idiot. But then he opens a black garbage bag he has in his hands and starts filling it with all of the clothes we’ve left by the pool. We scream at him to stop. But no one wants to jump out of the water and fight with him. I’m usually not confrontational at all, but I get out of the pool. I’m wearing a blue bra and matching boy shorts so it’s not so different from a bathing suit. Drake checks out my wet body from head to toe, and I see heat in his eyes. I’m going to use it against him.

  “Come on, Drake, just give me the bag.” I hold my hand out to take it from him.

  Everyone around us has gone quiet, waiting to see what will happen next.

  “No way, baby. Why don’t you come a little closer and get it?” Drake has a sly smile on his face. He’s challenging me and it’s hard to back away from it.

  I take a few more steps toward him. He’s got a sexy smile splayed across his face and a sparkle in his blue eyes. It tells me that he’s got a plan up his sleeve. “Just give back the clothes, Drake.”

  “Or what?” He’s holding the garbage bag in the air only inches away from me.

  It takes me a second to think of a plan. When it hits me, I hope the sisters will follow through. “If you don’t give me that bag right now, every one of those girls will get out of the water and throw you in there themselves.”

  He still has a smile on his face like he doesn’t believe it’s going to happen. I see Anna in the water, whispering in their ears. She’s probably getting them on board.

  “Drake, I’m going to count to three.”

  I’ve got this serious tone going on despite the slick smile he’s still holding onto.

  I yell, “One, two, three, charge!”

  The truth is, I can’t believe it myself. About ten naked girls jump out of the pool and aim for Drake. All of the guys around us are hollering and probably very jealous of the fact that he’s being swarmed by so many naked bodies. They grab the bag away from him. Janet, one of the sisters, tosses the bag my way. Then they create a circle around him, pushing him toward the water. When he gets to the edge, he starts pleading that we should at least allow him to get undressed. Anna looks back at me, nodding. I nod back and they push him into the water, clothes and all.

  The girls and I take the bag and stroll back into the house. The guys are a little too excited right now. I’m just amazed how comfortable the girls are in their own skin. I wish I could be that confident, but my scars are a constant reminder that I’m not like them.

  We all dry off and get our clothes back on. It’s not such a big deal that Drake is all wet because he lives in the house so he can head upstairs and change. Seconds later, he walks into the house soaking wet, and all of the girls clap. He takes a bow and heads for his room. A few minutes later, he’s back downstairs, all dried off and wearing a tight black t-shirt that shows off his built arms, and jeans that sit low on his waist. His mid-length hair is all wet and slicked back. He walks up to me. I think he’s going to give me a piece of his mind, but he’s all turned on. I can tell by the way his eyes are devouring my body.

  “Hey, Alexis, you want to grab a beer with me?” He quirks his head to the side.

  I’m confused but flash him a flirty smile. It wasn’t what I was expecting him to say. “You want to grab a beer with me after I got you thrown into the pool?”

  He shrugs. “Yeah, why not? I just had ten hot, naked girls surrounding me. Why would I mind? Every guy in here wants to be me right now.”

  “Very funny, Drake.” I punch him in the shoulder and he caves in, acting all wounded.

  He moves in closer to my ear and whispers that I was the hottest one out there anyway. His warm breath reminds me of a night we had a few months back and it was pretty hot. I follow him out to the kegs and we throw back a few beers. He starts making fun of my smart mouth, saying I’m one cocky girl. My head is spinning, and he takes me by the hand, guiding me into the house toward the dance floor. He’s very smooth. I turn around and he comes from behind, and we sway
our hips in sync. I’m getting all turned on by him and he knows it.

  “Do you want to head up to my room?”

  I nod and he leads the way. Once we’re in his room, his lips attack mine and we land roughly on his bed. He positions himself above me but doesn’t put his full weight on me. He nibbles on my lower lip and spreads kisses down my neck. His warm breath sends a cool shiver down my body. He lifts my tank top over my head and nods, “Damn girl, you have the best rack I’ve ever seen.”

  Okay I remember him being good in bed, not a hopeless romantic. He unclasps my bra and his lips linger on my breasts. My nipples harden at the expert flicks of his tongue, and I feel myself building in all the right places. With his left hand he unbuckles my jeans, while I use both my hands to unbuckle and unzip his jeans. I lower his jeans and he shrugs them off.

  I run my hands along his strong chest and lift his shirt over his head so we are skin-to-skin. I like feeling the connection of another body. Why is it after so long I still can’t settle down? As quickly as the thought enters my mind, it leaves. I’m too drunk right now to really care. His hand lowers between my thighs and he doesn’t have much work to do because I’m already very wet. His thumb grazes my clit a few times and my breathing picks up.

  “I need inside you, girl,” he whispers into my ear, spreading kisses along my jaw and down my neck.

  I nod in return and he grabs a condom out of his jeans’ pocket. I can always depend on these frat boys being ready for spontaneous sex. He has me moaning and crying out instantly. I’m hungry for the build and my pending release. Drake circles his hips slowly, rubbing me in all the right places. My chest rises and falls and my heart speeds up, enjoying the excitement of this meaningless encounter. I moan and moan and Drake pounds and pounds. I buck my hips into his and let myself go over the edge. Drake continues pounding into me, drawing out my orgasm. After I feel him stiffen and groan into the side of my neck, I pull away from him. I don’t want the after sex spooning and even the players like to spoon for a bit. I don’t see the purpose. Our actions weren’t about love, only lust. Why make it into something it isn’t? When we’re done, I go to pick up my clothes off the floor.

  “Where are you going? Don’t you want to stay the night? I have a few more tricks up my sleeve and that was damn good.” He’s practically pleading with me, and I’m taken aback because he doesn’t seem like the begging type.

  I put my tank top and jeans over my still wet bra and boy shorts. “Sorry, I’ve got an early class tomorrow.”

  That’s a lie. He looks a little defeated, but there isn’t much I can do.

  He tries again. “‘Kay, do you want to meet up tomorrow?”

  I shrug. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

  He’s getting the picture now. It’s the second time I’ve slept with him, but it doesn’t mean anything. No emotion; no love. I’m simply not capable.

  I walk back downstairs, looking for Anna, and spot her in the corner of the room making out with one of the brothers. I tap her on the shoulder, asking her if she’s ready to go. She needs a minute so I wait off to the side. Finally, she sidles up to me.

  “Hey, Bandita, Ryan is going to cab back to our place with us.”

  “Okay, so let’s head out.”

  She probably wanted to spend the night with him but didn’t want me heading home on my own, so she asked him back to our place. She always worries about me like that, and I’m grateful.

  We head back to the apartment, and I immediately go to my room and close the door. I hear Anna and Ryan enter her room and close their door.

  I love my room. It’s the only place I ever feel safe. I know that no one can harm me here. I don’t have a lot of money to spend on decorating, but I bought myself a simple, white, wrought iron bed and a small work desk for my laptop with a shelf next to it for all my textbooks. My sheets are a blue and white floral print. They feel soft against my skin. I put on a pair of pink plaid flannel pajamas and get into bed. The bed feels cold, and I shiver. I pull my legs up to my chest and try to warm up, thinking how messed up I am that I slept with two different guys in a span of twelve hours. I was supposed to live a life of no regrets, yet my life is filled with regret. I slept with a lot of guys during my undergrad days and even now in law school. But it’s always been a little more spread out. I’m twenty-four years old, and the meaningless sex is starting to get to me. I drift off to sleep, and I dream of him.

  ***

  I wake up in the morning and lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It looks a little yellowish since our apartment building is old. My hand rests on my head. When will I stop dreaming of him? We can never be together, so why won’t my mind listen to me? I know the answer. It’s because my heart feels something else. So I do what’s familiar. I push those thoughts to the back of my brain and get out of bed.

  Chapter 2

  I’m Screwed

  September 2012

  I only have two classes on Friday, and the first one starts at eleven a.m. I’m grateful because I’m feeling a little hung over from last night. I open my eyes, swing my legs over the side of my bed, and hold my throbbing head. I force myself to get up while feeling the blood rush through my tired body.

  The smell of fresh coffee lures me to the kitchen where Anna is sitting at the breakfast bar with Ryan by her side, drinking from one of our mugs and reading a newspaper. How domestic.

  Anna is all smiles this morning and says, “Good morning, Lex. I just brewed fresh coffee, so help yourself.”

  “Thanks. It smells so good.” I take a deep breath and inhale the delicious aroma.

  Anna nods her head in recognition. “I know, right? I just bought it from that fair trade place around the corner. It’s really fresh. It also tastes really good.” She pauses to examine me. “You feeling okay?” She quirks her head to the side.

  “Yeah, I’m just kind of hung over.” I rub my temples.

  Ryan smiles at me. “That was pretty crazy how you stood up to Drake last night. Very ballsy of you.”

  I inwardly roll my eyes, thinking I don’t have a set of balls. Anna bursts out laughing and sprays her coffee all over the counter. I’m looking at her, wondering what the hell has come over her, but I know she can read my mind so she probably knew what I was thinking with that comment.

  Anna’s got the whole belly laugh thing going on, but when she realizes that she’s the only one laughing, she puts on a straight face. “Come on, Bandita, there aren’t too many girls I know who’ll charge up to a situation like that.”

  Ryan winks at me. “And half naked, too. Come on, that was seriously gutsy of you.”

  “Fine, it was.” I reach over to the cabinet above the stove and take out a Tylenol. I’ve got a splitting headache.

  Ryan looks at us both. “So you girls going to come by the house tonight? There’s another party going on.”

  Anna and I answer at the same time. She says sure; I say, no thanks. Anna gives me a pointed look, like she wants me to change my mind. I pull up a stool at the breakfast bar and sit beside her.

  “Can I let you know a little later? I need to recover from my present hangover before I decide to inflict myself with another one.” I press my cup of coffee close to my chest, enjoying the warmth. I feel so tired I can barely hold myself up.

  Ryan stands up and places a hot kiss on Anna’s lips, then walks with a swagger out the door. Anna is practically glowing.

  I turn my head to look at her. “So he was that good, huh?”

  “Yeah, he actually was.” She swings herself off the breakfast stool.

  “Wow. Impressive. I usually don’t see you so giddy afterwards.” My voice is monotone while Anna’s is loud and excited.

  “I know, right?” she screeches. Or at least it sounds that way right now.

  But her smile fades quickly. I want to know what’s causing her mood swing, so I ask, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. It’s just that he’s all sweet and everything, like a mama’s boy or something.” Sh
e leans forward on the breakfast bar and places her hands on her cheeks, making her face look all squishy.

  “Is that a bad thing?” I ask, feeling sympathy for my friend. I know what it’s like to suppress feelings.

  “Yeah, kind of. I could fall for a guy like him.”

  I rub my hand along her back, trying to console her. I don’t know what to say. I have so many issues of my own that I wouldn’t know how to go about fixing someone else’s. Anna jolts up, clearly overcome by another mood swing. But this time it’s a happy burst of energy. “I say we hit the frat party tonight and find us a new round of boys.”

  It’s not a real solution, but it’s our solution for now.

  I frown. “Seriously, Anna, I’m starting to feel like it’s the same old, and it’s becoming less and less interesting for me lately.” There’s a strain in my voice. I really am getting worn down from the lifestyle we’ve chosen to lead.

  Anna moves in close to me. “I hear you, but what can we do, Lex? Don’t falter in your ways when you know it works. Neither of us has suffered a broken heart since we arrived here.” Her lips turns down and I hear pleading in her tone. I know she’s right, that we don’t have a choice, and we must stay on track.

  I nod, trying to convince myself. “You’re right. Fine, so we go tonight, but tomorrow, let’s make it a movie night or something. I need a night to chill out.” I extend my hand and Anna shakes it. As always, I’m surprised by the grip she has for such a petite girl.

  “You got a deal,” she says and walks off with a sway in her hips, back to her room.

  I gulp my coffee down quickly. I need to get dressed and go to class. I throw on a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt, which matches the color of my eyes. I tie my hair up in a ponytail, put my Converse on, and rush out the door so I won’t be late.

  It’s a sunny day, and I enjoy the hot rays hitting my body as I swiftly walk down the streets of downtown toward the university.

  My two classes fly by. It’s mostly taking notes and learning different case laws relating to the Charter. I head home after class and fall directly on the couch to watch some TV. I guess I must have drifted off because the next thing I know, I feel someone nudging my shoulder back and forth.